I am waiting to wake up ...

The past week has felt like a dream ... a nightmare really. I keep wondering when I'll wake up. Whose life is this? This doesn't happen ... not to anyone I know.
I then open my eyes and realize that yes, the voice telling me to hold my breathe is the audio voice of the CT scan machine. This is my life, I am the one here ... it's not a dream.

The CT scan was done yesterday morning. I wasn't aware that they'd be putting dye into my veins. A very weird sensation to say the least as the warmth of it begins to pass through your body. As the technician told me what would come, my eyes must have told her what my head was thinking.

"It's o.k. to cry" she said "This is scary, I know".

I am told to hold my breathe and don't swallow. The CT scan will be taking pictures of my lymph nodes and chest. They mark specific spots on my neck and ask lots of questions. I don't have answers really ... I feel like I am in here blindly.

It doesn't take long. The scan is complete within minutes. The hardest part physically was holding my breathe and not swallowing. Mentally, the battle rages inside of me.
The technician says the scans look "good". What does that mean .. I mean, really, what I want to know is ... what do you see?

But I have to wait.

My amazing husband has taken over my reigns. It is no longer that I find myself calling the office and asking "When". The CT passes and he calls. He calls again. Again. and yet again. The nurse tells Doug that Dr. Stigall is waiting on all the scans. He will review them and then call me immediately in. I don't need an appointment. They have "set aside" some time in the day. I am now the "STAT" patient.

Something I thought I'd never say "I'd be happy to be the patient who goes unnoticed and has to bring a book and wait in the waiting room". Apparently, the word STAT means .. something isn't quite right.

SO now we wait. I have been blown away by prayers. Friends e-mailing prayers. Friends calling. Friends wanting to help .. in any way they can. My Mom who has graciously given every ounce of herself to make our life seemingly normal. She has helped with the kids, come to visit, made meals, done laundry, and just gotten me out of the house to do the things in life you have to do .. prepare birthday party plans for our beautiful Maliah, celebrate those moments in life worth celebrating.

In the back of my head, I fight with the enemy. I rebuke his plans to cover me in fears. My heart knows that the Lord is my strength. I keep going to Joshua 1:9 "Be strong and courageous, do not be terrified, do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.". I work to take the belt of truth and put it on. I know this is truth .. but my head .. my head swims in thoughts at different moments of the day. I am reminded moment by moment that I'm not well. My body aches. My joints are aching .. they wake me at night. I tire easy. I know I'm not myself. A reminder that I am in a war .. with what? I don't know yet. But I am preparing to fight!

I find comfort in those whom have secured their armor and have drawn their swords to help me fight my battle. As I showered today, my eyes welled in tears as I realized that I was seeing the Kingdom here on earth. My sisters and brothers, carrying my burdens, being the hedge between my fear and my faith. Fear can seem to cripple and yet, in an instant .. it's gone and i have peace. For me, I realize that faith is indeed what we do not see but we know. I know this, your prayers are felt. In the moments that that fear creeps in .. the Lord replaces it with his calming peace and assurance - a Saint must have said a prayer perhaps. He is my God ... he will "Provide my needs before I ask. He will help me while I am still asking for help" (Isaiah 65:24).

I wait .. the house is quiet. I just spent the morning with my beautiful four year old daughter and my Mom. We picked out all the princess party supplies for the glorious celebration of Maliah on Saturday. We had lunch, we laughed and we talked. My Mom has now taken my angel and is going to get my kids from school. They are going to have a Granny and PiPa afternoon so I can rest a little and because, well, Doug says that the Dr. said that today he would call and then we'd see what was next.

Thank you, my friend, for all your doing to walk with me and our Lord. You will never know the impact and power of each step you take with me!

Pressing on .. and oh, taking a nap. I think I'll relish in a few minutes of stillness!